Holdenforth had planned to use this blog to complete a trilogy in we examined the gaps between what our politicians had achieved as opposed to what to they intended to achieve.
Our first two efforts – on Rishi Sunak and on Keir Starmer – were relatively straightforward to write.
Thus – in the case of Mr Sunak the gap was so wide that all we had to do was to paraphrase extracts from the avalanche of abuse hurled at our hopeless PM – note – no plagiarism – we will leave that to Rachel Reeves.
However even old-world cynics like Holdenforth could not have foreseen the bile that poured out of Suella Braverman following the curt verbal P45 call from Mr S.
And we certainly did not see coming the restoration of Mr Cameron – rapidly elevated to Lord Cameron – as a key feature of the reshuffle changes following the Braverman exit stage right.
More on the Cameron /Lazarus development later in the blog
What about Sir Keir Starmer?
Rather more stability here. We noted in our previous blog that Sir Keir had just one policy – to secure the keys to Number 10 in the next election. He and his supporters have exercised sufficient control within the Labour Party to minimise any boat rocking from dissenters. He quickly and effectively showed them who was in charge. The minor hiccup that arose within the Labour party as the number of civilians killed in Gaza rose on a daily basis was quickly suppressed.
Holdenforth had originally planned – in the interests of fair play, to examine where the Liberal Democrats stood on the issue of policy and achievements.
We threw in the towel here. Quite simply no material to work with on either policy or achievement.
Instead we opted for a stroll down memory lane – Holdenforth decided instead to look back at the performance of Lloyd George – the last Liberal leader of any significance.
Here are the views of his contemporaries.
“Put the two men together in any circumstances of equality and the one would eat the other” From “Great Contemporaries” by Winston Churchill.
Churchill was comparing Lloyd George with Lord Curzon and found the talents of the former considerably greater than those of the latter.
“To see the British Prime Minister (Lloyd George) watching the company with six or seven senses not available to ordinary men, judging character, motive and sub-conscious impulse, perceiving what each was thinking and even what each was going to say next, and compounding with telepathic instinct the argument or appeal best suited to the vanity, weakness, or self-interest of his immediate auditor was to realise that the poor President (Wilson of the USA) would be playing blind man’s bluff” From Keynes’ essay on the Council of Four in Paris, 1919
The sardonic comments of a formidable intellect.
“The great English (sic) demagogue had set out solely to exert the greatest possible effect on the mass of his listeners… Regarded from this standpoint the speeches of this Englishman (sic) were the most wonderful performance for they testified to a positively amazing knowledge of the soul of the broad masses of the people …” The comments of Adolf Hitler in Mein Kampf on the speeches of Lloyd George.
It is worth noting that the eventual downfall of Lloyd George as Prime Minister was engineered by one of our more self-effacing prime Ministers, Stanley Baldwin.
A word on Brexit
The Brexit debate rumbles on. Very few now seek to argue that the UK should rejoin the EU.
The Labour MP for Torfaen (and the MP for Holdenforth) Nick Thomas-Simmonds , has been handed the mosr formidable challenge of all in the Starmer shadow cabinet, that of reaching new arrangements with the EU short of full membership.
Mr Thomas – Simmonds has our full support in this Herculean assignment.
For all practical purposes – the UK is out of and will remain out of the EU for the next few years.
For Holdenforth that leaves a little unfinished business. Prior to the referendum in 2016 we had a modest wager with a rambling colleague about the outcome. We hoped fervently for a Remain outlook – but we lost our preference and our wager. We hope to settle up before the Grim Reaper calls.
The COVID-19 Inquiry
As I write the enquiry into the effectiveness of the handling of the Covid Pandemic by HMG is getting into its stride.
Holdenforth is uneasy about the value of this enquiry and about the contribution it will make, if any, to the effectiveness of the management of future epidemics.
We have been advised that it is inevitable that at some point in the future a different but related version of the original pesky parasite will emerge to pose problems.
Will we be ready?
Thus far the Hallett inquiry seems to have provided a platform for disgruntled politicians and their SPADs to settle old scores – and, sadly but predictably some are doing thus that.
The proceedings take me back more than 60 years when I was voicing my adverse criticisms about the performance of colleagues to a senior manager.
His reply has stayed with me: “They are all useless buggers except thee and me and when I’m on my own – you’re a useless bugger”
Remind you of a contemporary soap opera masquerading as a serious exercise?
The rule of lawyers
“Britain being run by rule of lawyers” Headline in the Daily Mail – Sept 9, 2023
In the article beneath the headline Martin Beckford, Daily Mail policy editor, narrowed down the criticism to human rights lawyers and judges.
“MPs DO have a legal means of breaking the stranglehold human rights lawyers have on our democracy. So why won’t they use it?” Headline above an article by Dr Arnheim, Daily Mail, Sept 14, 2023
Holdenforth is bemused by these attacks on human rights lawyers who were simply carrying out their professional tasks. Well done you legal eagles – doing well by doing good.
It would help if politicians were to specify what is and what is not legal in clear language.
Monarchical matters
In an earlier blog we asked about what, if anything, Princess Diana and Leon Trotsky had in common.
We thought that both of them had been air brushed out of history by very effective manipulation of PR machines by their respective detractors.
We are uneasy that the unorthodox route to the throne by Camilla might be thought of by some as one of the more audacious usurpings of the crown in our 1,000 year turbulent history.
We are also distinctly uneasy about the suggestion that Charles III may be allowed to pontificate on the policy of HMG.
The elevation of plain Mr Cameron to Lord Cameron in the twinkling of an eye.
“On his first introduction to these little fellows it had seemed to Ambrose that they had touched the lowest possible level to which Humanity can descend. It now became apparent that there hitherto unimagined depths which it was in their power to plumb” The sombre thoughts of Ambrose Mulliner about his two schoolboy charges.
Holdenforth has similar views about David Cameron
The transfer of Cameron from oblivion to the Foreign Office and to The House of Lords startled even your hardened blogger.
For us it represented a transition from the – shall we say respectable – corridors of Oxford University to the darker corridors of the Arthur Daley business school. It was a squalid act even by the abysmal standard of this drowning administration.
We predict and hope that this change in title and job will end in tears.
A few closing one liners.
Boss at scandal-hit university saw pay surge by £186k
The boss in question, Alice Gast at Imperial College London, somehow managed to secure an increase in her reward package despite presiding over a shambles.
Her unkind critics tend to forget that the looting of the public purse can be arduous and time consuming.
“Wilko unions demand inquiry into stricken chain” Daily Mail headline Nov 4, 2023
Unions representing sacked workers have picked up that “£77m in dividends was dished out to the owners and shareholders of the retailer in the decade before its collapse”.
Holdenforth doubts if the requested inquiry will ever get off the ground.
The Post Office scandal.
Holdenforth gathers that the consequences of this most appalling of scandals are slowly but surely closing in on the perpetrators.
We fervently hope that those responsible – Vennells ? Crozier / – will answer for their actions.
Holdenforth urges the great British public to put pressure on the authorities to make languid inquiries such as that presided over by Sir John Chilcot to be replaced by a policy beloved by Sir Winston Churchill – Action this day.
Some old timers will recall Parkinson’s first law – “work expands to fill the time available for its completion.”
It is time that this recipe for the lining of legal pockets was repealed.
Holdenforth had hoped to get all his discontents off his chest while there is still time. Sadly Holdenforth/aka John Holden , a grizzling, grousing, griping grumbling aged malcontent who finds that he disagrees with almost everyone about almost everything still has more to say.
The Holdenforth blog issued on August 24 set out our policies and suggested actions ahead of the forthcoming conference season.
In our naivety we supposed that it would suffice until the re-opening of parliament in October.
Critics of Keir Starmer were said to be concerned at his lack of decisiveness. His mantra was said to be:
“Time for a hundred indecisions
For a hundred visions and revisions
Before the taking of a toast and tea”
From “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock” by TS Eliot
The names of Rishi Sunak and Holdenforth must be added to those afflicted with the virus of indecision. For our part we justify our changing views by noting that we operate on the edge of the margin of the fringe of power.
Immigration – legal or otherwise
Our August 24 blog set out our criticisms of the policies of HMG to deal with the problems perceived to be triggered by the arrival in the UK of illegal immigrants.
Some four weeks later we stand by our criticisms which queried the effectiveness of the measures adopted thus far.
However, in the past few weeks the problems associated with illegal immigration have spread far beyond the UK. Italy in particular is especially worried about the comparatively recent approach adopted by substantial numbers of illegals of using the Mediterranean island of Lampedusa as a stepping stone to Italy, and from Italy to their ultimate county of choice.
The scale of their arrival has created anxiety throughout the EU as the members of that body review the possible consequences in their own countries.
Our Home Secretary has added her considerable weight to the controversial case for tighter national and international control of illegal immigration.
As I write – the lively debate continues.
Putin V THE WEST
Holdenforth has avoided commenting on this conflict from the outset on the plausible basis that it is difficult to know what exactly is going from the conflicting propaganda of the two sides.
“The liberals who condemn Trump’s failed putsch – but happily condone a real one”
Headline above a column by Peter Hitchens
Mail On Sunday, August 6
The gist of the Hitchens column is that the legally elected government of the Ukraine was overthrown illegally in 2014.
Hitchens writes: “It is clear beyond doubt that the Kiev parliament voted illegally to remove him…”
Holdenforth is mindful that the PR departments of Putin on the one hand and of THE WEST on the other hand are working overtime to spread their respective versions of events. We are also mindful that the PR function masterminded by Zelensky has won this particular battle by a wide margin.
For our part we at Holdenforth continue to hope that the conflict will stop and a negotiated transparent peace treaty – not an understanding – will be made.
Has anything changed in the past 4 weeks in this most serious global conflict?
Holdenforth suspects that the Zelensky PR machine is struggling to maintain its hitherto invincible aura. He continues to command the key PR platforms controlled by THE WEST but we detect that some key allies are tiring of his mendicant search of equipment to continue the conflict and that these key allies are looking for reasons to throttle back on the extent of their support.
On this one – Holdenforth will continue to urge all parties to the conflict to tone down their war cries and – to quote Churchill – to accept that “Jaw Jaw is better than War War.”
The Decline and decline of the BBC
Holdenforth has long argued that the BBC has abandoned the hallowed status acquired for it by John Reith. To us it has seemed that the mission statement of The BBC can be summed up as:- “There’s no business like show business” and if this assertion is accepted – then the BBC should be promptly privatised.
Holdenforth has not altered its hostile view of the BBC.
We noted – in a detached way – that the BBC Chairman, Richard Sharp had resigned following accusations that he had been less than prudent in his dealings with Boris Johnson.
So – we mused – that is the usual fate of those who have dealings with Boris Johnson.
However – we did not leave it at that. We looked at the organisation structures used to manage and oversee the BBC and we were struck by the sheer vacuity of so many of the top jobs and the immense scope for some ruthless pruning in this area.
Accordingly, we suggest to those in the private equity sector – here is a fat organisation – correction – an obese organisation -offering substantial opportunities for slimming down.
Get your numbers’ boys to carry out a swift due diligence exercise – you can’t go wrong.
That remains our view.
The emergence of the Russell Brand issue rather perplexed us.
It is one thing to regard the behaviour of an influential and sexually voracious celebrity as regrettable. However the alleged crimes of Mr Brand have yet to be tested in a court of law – and a cardinal feature of our courts is that the law of England supposes every man to be innocent, until he is proved to be guilty, a point made forcibly by Mr Jaggers in “Great Expectations” by Charles Dickens.
On a more general point Holdenforth has been saddened but not startled by the alleged sexual exploitation by some of the rich and/or powerful of their subordinate employees.
“it’s the same the whole world over
It’s the poor what gets the blame
It’s the rich what gets the pleasure
Ain’t it all a blooming shame…
A poignant verse in this old song notes:-
“See ‘im riding in his carriage
Past the gutter where she stands
He has made a stylish marriage
And she rings ‘er ringless ‘ands”
Holdenforth notes and warmly endorses the emergence of a spirited class of subordinates resolved put a stop to this age old “droit de seigneur”.
We would like to name and shame a few names from the Seigneur sector but on this delicate issue discretion will take priority over valour. Doubtless Mr Bernard Looney will applaud our stance.
We seem to have drifted away from the BBC but we have noted that the various media are engaged in an energetic search to flush out just who at the BBC knew what and when about the alleged unseemly behaviour of Mr Brand in the past 20 years.
The thorny transgender issue
This contentious issue continues to feature in the media and the debate continues to generate more heat than light.
The Holdenforth stance based on a Keep it Simple approach has been consistent from the outset.
“If my aunt had bollocks she would be my uncle but she doesn’t and she isn’t
We suggest a quick and simple test to establish who is what – those with balls are male.
What they would like to be is a different matter – most of us would like to have been dealt a better hand by mother nature but that is another thing entirely.
The future of HS2
Holdenforth readers will want to know where we stand on this important project.
We set our position in an unpublished letter to The Daily Mail
Should the project be scrapped given the lamentable performance of those in charge of the project thus far?
Or, should the public accept that lessons have been learned and the project be completed on a full steam ahead basis?
Could Holdenforth suggest a third solution to the HS2 dilemma.
Put the project on hold for around 5 years.
Can we at Holdenforth have a seconder for this modest proposal?
Lawyers in the firing line.
Britain “being run by rule of lawyers”
Headline in The Daily Mail – September 9
The opening sentence in the report underneath the headline read:
“The rule of law in Britain has been replaced by the rule of human rights lawyers and judges, a report warns today.
Think tank Civitas says that court rulings covering immigration protests and strikes are undermining the sovereignty of Parliament.”
It seems to Holdenforth that the main threat to the sovereignty of parliament comes from those currently occupying the green benches .
The hostility of the Daily Mail to Human Rights lawyers gathered momentum in the next few days.
“MPs do have a legal means of breaking the stranglehold human rights lawyers have on our democracy. So why won’t they use it?”
Headline in the Daily Mail–September 14
In the report under the headline Dr Michael Arnheim, an experienced lawyer, argued that “blame must be placed squarely on the shoulders of the Government and Parliament.”
Holdenforth is pleased to note that DR Arnheim and Holdenforth are on the same wavelength on this highly contentious issue,
“Timeo Danaos et Dona Ferentes” From Virgil’s Aeniad
For our non classical readers this translates as -”Beware Greeks bearing gifts”
Some 2000 years later – Holdenforth urges the voters to examine closely the promises on offer from the main UK political parties in the heady atmospheres of their respective love ins during the next few weeks.
The Lib Dems have opened the batting and excelled themselves in sustaining a steady output of froth during their conference.
The unity was illustrated by the departure of Mr Fallon from Bournemouth an hour before Sir Ed Davey was due to speak.
There will be plenty more in the next few weeks. Watch this space.
Holdenforth has been inundated with lively issues competing for space.
We will close with a few brief mentions.
1. The pilfering pandemic. Holdenforth has noted the disturbing spread of the shop lifting sector.
Moral – the responsible authorities should NEVER ignore law breaking. All infractions, however minor, to be promptly nipped in the bud.
2. Abuse of parliamentary privilege. Holdenforth is unhappy with the practice of using the sanctuary of parliament to make assertions of doubtful veracity.
We noted that Sir Chris Bryant, taking time off from his previous predilection for flaunting his sexual requirements on social media, used dubious parliamentary privilege to make mendacious statements about the financial affairs of Nigel Farage.
Mr Farage is more than capable of looking after himself but dishonesty is still dishonesty.
Readers with longer memories will recall that Tom Watson used the same squalid practice in order to stay on safe ground whilst making dishonest accusations against eminent public figures.
Parliament should abandon this institutionalised mendacity.
3. Holdenforth continues to be unhappy about the lop sided way that the Post Office scandal is being handled. Late and derisory compensation for the victims combined with strenuous efforts to postpone a day of reckoning for those responsible for the squalid performance of Post Office senior managers.
The names of Vennells and Crozier remain prominent in the frame of those required to answer for their misdemeanours.
4. The problem of the long term sick – how might reluctant members of the working class be persuade to return to the fold?
Two solutions offer themselves – roughly speaking a carrot approach and a stick approach.
The carrot approach would ensure that it would be financially worthwhile for the long term sick to forfeit the safety and security of their present position for the shaky benefits of being in work.
An extreme example of the stick approach was described by Hasek in his novel-”The Good Soldier Schweik”. The author described the methods used to persuade those reluctant to serve in the army to change their minds and return to fight in the war.
Later sensitive generations would baulk at the enforced use of the clyster.
Back in 2003 I wrote a book which I called A Cushy Number.
After seven months of living under the shadow of Covid-19 I was curious to see what, if anything, had changed in the intriguing world of work, of the demands made by work and of the rewards earned by work – as analysed in my book.
Holdenforth readers unfamiliar with the book will want to know what I was saying all those years ago when I was a mere boy of 62.
The following extracts from the book set out the gist of what I was trying to say.
What is a cushy number?
“Therefore the Lord God sent him forth from the Garden of Eden to till the ground from whence he was taken!” Genesis 3, 23
“There was nothing to do and he did it charmingly; there was a handsome salary to draw and he would draw it charmingly” Dickens reporting the elevation of Mr Sparkler to the Circumlocution Office in Little Dorrit
“You and I and the editor of the Times Lit Supp, and the Nancy poets, and the Archbishop of Canterbury and Comrade X, author of Marxism for Infants- all of us really owe the comparative decency of our lives to poor drudges underground, blackened to the eyes, with their throats full of coal dust, driving their shovels forward with arms and belly muscles of steel” The Road to Wigan Pier, George Orwell
The cushy number has a long and honoured place in the history of mankind. In Chapter 3 of Genesis the terms and conditions arranged by God for Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden were described – and they were very agreeable. They – Adam and Eve – were not required to work, and the only limitation placed upon them in terms of consumption was to give a miss to the fruit of the tree of knowledge. Sadly Eve was unable to resist the wiles of the tempting serpent and she, and, a little later, Adam, sampled the forbidden fruit. The Lord God took a very dim view of their offence, and immediately put into effect the relevant disciplinary procedures. By the end of Genesis 3 their cushy number in the Garden of Eden had been cancelled, and our illustrious ancestors became reluctant founder members of the working class.
Dickens was on top form in Little Dorrit and nowhere more so than in describing the operation of the Circumlocution Office. Mr Sparklers friend, Henry Gowan, was delighted that “the dear donkey for whom he had so great an affection was so admirably stabled.”
The quote from Orwell brings our story quickly up to date. The world has moved on since Orwell wrote the above words in 1936, but the point he made then is equally valid today. In order that the lucky minority can hold down cushy numbers, the majority of us are required to work in mundane, repetitive, low paid, insecure jobs.
This book sets out to explore why some jobs are more desirable than others. This immediately raises the question – desirable in terms of what? Desirable in terms of this all important aspect of cushiness, that’s what.
This book has two purposes. Firstly to demonstrate that cushy numbers do exist, and, secondly, to explain to readers how to secure and retain a cushy number. An ambitious plan, but rest assured, by the time you have reached the end of the book, you will know all there is to know about the subject, and, more importantly, you will be well equipped to go out and get a cushy number.
Let us begin our analysis with some definitions. We will define a cushy number as a well rewarded sinecure. The word sinecure is defined as an office of profit with no duties. We are looking for a lot more than an office of profit, although we are quite happy with the absence of duties. We are looking for, indeed we insist upon, a job which combines the minimum of effort with the maximum of reward. It must be stressed at the outset that we cushy number seekers insist on having both criteria satisfied. We don’t want a demanding well rewarded job although we accept that this would be a step in the right direction. Equally we don’t just want a sinecure. We want a well rewarded sinecure.
At several stages during the writing of this book the need arose for a word which denoted the opposite of cushy. For a while the somewhat cumbersome compound word uncushy was used, but it lacked elegance. An alternative was sought and found, the adjective augean. A word of explanation may be appropriate. Augeus was the king of Elis in ancient Greece and he had a problem. His problem was that he owned 3000 oxen whose stalls had not been cleansed for 30 years. If you do the calculation you will see that Augeus had on his hands, metaphorically, and, arguably, literally, a lot of bullshit. He, King Augeus, arranged with Hercules that if he could clean the said stalls in a single day, he would receive 300 oxen in return, ie a straight 10% cut. Hercules succeeded by resorting to a highly imaginative irrigation technique, and went on to claim the rewards from the contract. King Augeus, like many of his fellow monarchs at the time and since, was not averse to a spot of sharp practice and queried the terms of the deal (were they in writing? – the text does not make this clear) and the upshot was that Hercules remained oxenless. The term Augean has come to mean filthy, difficult and bereft of reward, the perfect contrast to the cushy number. Hercules had landed a job which combined high demand, zero reward and, another common feature, a lot of bullshit to clear away. None of the labours of Hercules was a cushy number, but his arrangement with Augeus was the one most apposite to our requirements.
A cushy number has been the dream of those who combine indolence and cupidity from the earliest days of social organisation. In our times and with the breakdown of social and class barriers, the desire is stronger and more widespread than ever before. Most of us – let’s admit it – yearn for a job which combines the minimum of effort for the maximum of reward, and this aspiration is likely to intensify in the years to come. We want a cushy number, we fume whenever we hear that one of our friends has got what we believe to be one, but that’s about as far as the analysis goes. Given this widespread demand for a cushy number, it is astonishing how little work or even thought has gone into this crucial issue. We need to think through what we mean in order to get what we want. How on earth can we get a cushy number if we don’t know what we are looking for? How exactly will we know one when we see one? What are the defining features of the cushy number, the features that separate it from your job and from all the jobs I ever had?
Two key points to consider are that work takes up the greater part of our waking lives and, secondly, that we have much more choice and control over the sort of work we do than most of us ever realise, until sadly, it is far too late. Surely most of us would prefer to spend this time in cushy rather than augean activity? It is clear that our choice of profession or job is crucially important, by far the most important that we are called upon to make during our time on earth. Let us repeat this crucial central point. The choice of job is the most important decision of our lives. We suspect that this assertion will be contested by two groups, the young, who are not qualified to judge, and those with cushy numbers, who are understandably biased. We will simply ignore the views of the young on this issue, as we should ignore their views on all issues, and we will make allowances for the bias of the present cushy number holders.
One point to stress at the outset is the need to make your career selection early. The reason for this requirement is that most schools operate some form of subject selection at around year four of secondary education. We must ensure that our children avoid the sciences which tend to lead straight to jobs with high demand and low rewards. Instead we must steer them towards soft studies like history, English, geography and so on. Maths is fine as long as the students get out early and absorb just enough to be confident in their financial manipulations later on. Note that the word manipulation is used here to cover both of its commonly accepted meanings. A modern language is fine and if our selected career choice is the Civil Service or Academia the classics remain a reasonable each way bet. Sound options are those courses whose titles include the word “studies”. This category embraces business studies, social studies, gender studies, and, best of all, general studies.
We are not going to cover in detail the issue of the right school for our cushy number candidates. However it should be said that attendance at one or other of the top public schools continues to provide a formidable competitive edge in the later struggle for the cushy number. It is much more doubtful if this is this case for the minor public schools. Your local comprehensive school will provide as good an education and, crucially, at no cost. Apart from the handful of top schools the public schools are simply not cost effective in the long term.
Before proceeding with our analysis we need at this stage to raise and clarify a few issues which usually cloud discussion of the subject. The first difficulty is that almost all holders of almost all jobs believe that their jobs are uniquely demanding and ill rewarded. They (including you and I) can’t all be right. We need to establish a method to help us to determine which jobs are actually demanding and which jobs are demanding only in the minds of the job holders. The same point applies with equal force to the reward element of the job. How do we distinguish between jobs which are genuinely well rewarded and jobs which are only superficially well rewarded.
In order to establish an objective basis for comparison between jobs a cushy number model has been developed. This model is used to determine the true demand of a job together with the true total reward. These two core elements of all jobs, the job demand element and the job reward element are then combined to give the cushy number index. The model is beautiful in its simplicity, and powerfully effective as a tool for analysis and comparison.
A number of key features have been identified to establish the total demands of a job. They include assessments of job stress, job security, the ease with which the performance of the job holder can be measured, and working conditions. All the various elements are taken into consideration in arriving at the job demand index or JDI.
Our analysis of job reward goes well beyond the usual limited approach of salary. The model takes account of all relevant reward elements including, indeed especially, those arrangements which cover the important period from retirement to oblivion. This latter element is, of course, the all important pension arrangement. The outcome is the job reward index or JRI. The reward element of our job determines our standard of living, it determines where and how we live, it influences who we marry and dictates the sort of lives we and our children will lead.
The cushy number model takes full and equal account of both job demand and job reward. Both elements are important and the ideal cushy number combines minimum demands on, with maximum rewards to, the job holder.
It must be stressed that our cushy number model bears no resemblance to the job evaluation models used by and loved by human resource professions and business school academics. Suffice it to say that their models are useless. They are designed to confuse rather than clarify the issues involved, and to perpetrate the pervasive myth that talent and hard work will be suitably rewarded. The models devised in the business schools have an additional fraudulent purpose which is to swell the torrent of pedagogical froth masquerading as scholarship.
The early chapters are given over to the exposition of the two elements of the model, namely job demand and job reward. The book then explains how the indices derived from these two elements are combined to produce that all important statistic, all pervasive measure, the cushy number index.
We then take a brief look at two factors which have an important bearing on the cushiness of jobs, namely the influence of nepotism and the significance of public sector employment. Suffice it to say at this stage that one clear hallmark of a cushy number is a high degree of nepotism. We have only to look at the well known practice of people in the media and in politics to pass their cushy numbers on to the next generation. The Freuds, Dimblebys, Corens and Hoggarts come instantly to mind, and readers will doubtless have their own particular bete noires in this category. Such is my strength of feeling on this issue that I am willing to forgive Mr Rupert Murdoch his own ruthless nepotism on behalf of his own offspring because access to his Sky TV network means that I do not have to endure one or other of the appalling Dimbleby brothers when viewing post General Election inquests.
The combination of the demand and reward elements of a job also determines, in these more flexible and easy going times, the range of opportunities required in order to engage in a variety of extra marital sexual encounters, should readers find that prospect appealing. I stressed to my wife that this is a perception on my part, based on ratiocination rather than experience. It is important that domestic harmony is maintained. Incidentally I realise that extra marital sounds quaint and archaic to modern ears, but uxorious men of my generation are still marital men and look askance when asked about their partners.
Our target readers and would be beneficiaries are a mixture of parents anxious to steer their offspring towards the cushy prizes life has to offer and those whose careers have not been irrevocably committed to jobs which are either demanding or ill rewarded or, horror of horrors, both. We suspect that the former group will prove to be a more receptive audience, but all are welcome in the search party. You won’t regret it With diligence you should succeed in moving you and yours up the league table. With diligence and luck you and yours may even make it to the top of the league.
The cushy number league table.
It only remains to compile a league table based on the cushy number indices.
The relevant acronyms are:
JDI = Job Demand Index
JRI = Job Reward Index
CNI = Cushy Number index
All indices are measured on a scale from 1 to 10 with 1 the lowest and 10 the highest.
The CNI is arrived at by multiplying the JDI by the JRI
The cushiest possible job would have a CNI of 100
The least cushy number – the most Augean – would have a CNI of 1
JDI
JRI
CNI
Senior Managers, Privatised Utilities
10.0
10.0
100.0
Senior Executives, City
9.5
10.0
95.0
Senior Executives, Industry
9.0
10.0
90.0
Town Hall Managers
9.5
8.5
80.8
Senior Civil Servants
9.0
8.5
76.5
Lawyers
7.5
8.5
63.8
Senior Police Officers
7.0
8.0
56.0
Academics
7.5
6.0
45.0
Clergy
7.0
5.0
35.0
Journalists
5.0
6.0
30.0
Politicians
5.0
6.0
30.0
Doctors
3.0
7.0
21.0
Teachers
2.0
6.0
12.0
Engineers
3.0
4.0
12.0
Law Breakers
3.0
3.0
9.0
Premier League Footballers
1.0
8.0
8.0
There it is. The first ever league table of cushy numbers based on the first ever methodical study of cushy numbers.
The rise to the very top of the league of senior managers in the privatised utilities came as something of a surprise. Was it an example of the law of unintended consequences? Mrs Thatcher, with her endless preaching about the virtues of risk and competitiveness, could never have intended this consequence, could she?
For me the saddest finding of all was the decline and fall of the engineering profession in the country which was the cradle of the industrial revolution and which led the way for others to follow in the formation of capital. There was a time when enterprise, initiative and risk, popularly supposed to lie at the heart of capitalism, brought appropriate rewards. Not any more. Engineers are not just below the salt. They are below the stairs hoping that their betters, or at least their superiors in cushiness, will leave a bone or a crust at the end of the feast to enable them to partake of a frugal supper. On gala nights they stay behind to stoke the furnace in the cellar whilst the cushy number boys are out on the town. And there is absolutely no chance of a snug fitting slipper giving an escape route at the end of the evening when the cushy number brigade arrive home inebriated. Engineers are in deep trouble with no prospects of remission for good behaviour. Their only relief is the escapism of dreams – maybe of a job in the Town Hall.
In the rapidly developing Western style economies of what, until recently, were the old republics of the USSR, reports indicate that the cushiest numbers have all been appropriated by members of organisations which base both their commercial outlook and management practices on those of the long standing businesses based in Sicily. This would seem to indicate that either the law breakers in Russia are much higher up the cushy number league table, or, more likely, are simply above and outside the law.
We have now generated a most useful tool in our search for a cushy number. Readers should study it and then take steps to ensure that they and theirs quickly secure places at or near the top of the table. In future no one can claim that they didn’t know, that they were kept in the dark. The facts of life are all in these pages, far more important than the stuff and the guff about birds and bees.
Now to the theme of this blog: what impact, if any, has the Covid19 pandemic had on the Cushy Number league table?
What changes have there been, if any, and why?
Given the rapidly changing situation triggered by the odious parasite that is Covid-19 it would not be sensible to attempt a detailed job by job analysis. However a few observations are in order.
Here goes.
Public sector jobs as compared with private sector jobs.
Mr Sunak has acted with commendable zeal to protect the incomes of millions of private sector workers by the introduction of furlough payments and other measures. That is – for the recipients – the good news.
The bad news is that many of these measures are about to be ended and replaced with – with what?
For many – the grim prospect of a P45 issued by countless businesses that either have called it a day or are about to do so.
No such worries for those in the public sector – the job reward index of this group will not be changed.
Nice work if you can get it.
In short – the incomes of public sector white collar works are as secure after 7 months of exposure to Covid 19 as they were 20 years ago.
No fears no anxieties about when the next cheque will arrive and how much it will be for.
Lawyers
“It is likewise to be observed that this society (lawyers) hath a peculiar cant and jargon of their own, that no other mortal can understand, and wherein all their laws are written, which they take special care to multiply; whereby they have wholly confounded the very essence of truth and falsehood, of right and wrong, so that it will take thirty years to decide whether the field left me by my ancestors for six generations belongs to me or to a stranger three hundred miles off” Jonathan Swift, Gulliver’s Travels
Swift was spot on in his excoriation of the legal profession when he wrote Gulliver’s Travels three hundred years and nothing has changed since then.
Accordingly it will come as no surprise to learn that the fortunes of this group of professionals have blossomed as the impact of the pandemic has bitten ever deeper. The legal profession thrives on discord and the growth of discord has been a prominent feature of the past six months.
The Medical Profession.
The pandemic has triggered a curious split in this profession.
The GP branch hastily constructed and then retreated into safe havens. Once safely housed in these safe havens they, the GPs opted for a policy of diagnosis at a distance.
The irritation triggered by this method was usually exacerbated by the difficulty of getting through to the GP in order to initiate the process.
Holdenforth has spent many hours in recent months calling the GP number only to be greeted with yet another engaged signal.
In short the GP branch of the profession has experienced and continues to experience significantly less stress than was the case prior to the pandemic.
As to their rewards packages – no change.
At the other end of the scale the hospital branch of the profession has been the first line of defence against Covid-19 and has rightly earned plaudits for its collective courage in the face of fearsome adversity.
For these heroes and heroines – significantly more stress.
Doctors in the hospital service have been handed the dirty end of the Covid-19 stick.
A word about that new breed that has emerged and flourished since the arrival of Covid19 – those who combine – or who purport to combine – medical skills and statistical skills.
Many years ago I worked briefly as an Operational Research Scientist and within this group it was suggested that the Medical Profession was replete with scientists who were unable to cope with Maths.
The confusion created by the attempts of Sir Patrick Vallance and Professor Whitty to explain the tsunami of numbers emerging daily from HMG suggest that the gibe may have had some validity.
The engineering profession.
The havoc wreaked on this profession as the pandemic tightened its grip has been appalling. Business closures in the manufacturing sector announced to date have been enormous and it is probable that the situation will get worse before there is a return to Business as Usual – if indeed there is ever to be a return to Business as Usual.
All who find themselves faced with these bleak prospects deserve our sympathy but one sub-group deserve our special sympathy. I refer to the many specialists in the auto sector who have spent decades developing and operating Just in Time supply systems throughout the EU and indeed globally.
Their predicament has been made much worse by the disgraceful actions of BOJO to “get Brexit done”. The chaotic consequences of this squalid opportunism will form a significant part of our national economic shambles in the coming months.
Academics
This group endured a few difficult weeks as they tried to strike a balance between imposing tight lock downs and ensuring that students could experience a civilised learning environment.
However in the excitement and confusion created by Covid-19 I had quite forgotten that many University Vice Chancellors had outraged many, including their own junior colleagues by their shameless greed in recent years.
See the CV of the VC of Bolton University for further details.
Closing comments
“ Things fall aprt; the centre cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world, The blood dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere The ceremony of innocence is drowned; The best lack all conviction, while the worst Are full of passionate intensity.” “The Second Coming” by WB Yeats
Might it be that the feelings and fears of Yeats will turn out to be just as valid as those put out in recent weeks by HMG?
“Upbeat Bank of England chief says forget fear and fatalism, economy’s bouncing back” Daily Mail Headline which refers to the views of Bank of England Chief, Mr Andy Haldane
Will the outcome be a vindication of the optimistic forecast of Mr Haldane,
OR
Might the outcome be that Mr Haldane turns out to be a latter day Dr Pangloss, the battered hero described by Voltaire in “Candide”?
Holden Forth 